Chemistry is easy to notice and almost useless as a predictor. It tells you how someone makes you feel in good conditions. It tells you nothing about how they behave when conditions turn.
Character does. And unlike chemistry, it can be assessed — if you know what to look at.
What to actually watch
How they treat people who can do nothing for them
Waiters, drivers, junior colleagues, their own family. Someone charming to you and dismissive to a shop assistant has shown you their range.
What they do when they're wrong
Watch for the apology that isn't one: "I'm sorry you felt that way." Someone who can't take responsibility in small things won't in large ones.
How they handle their own family
Not whether the relationships are easy — most aren't. Whether they can be honest, set limits, and still be kind.
What they're like when plans collapse
Delays, cancellations, small failures. Frustration is normal. What follows it is the information.
Whether their private and public selves match
A significant gap is worth taking seriously.
The questions that don't work
Direct interrogation — "are you patient?" — produces the answer everyone gives. You learn far more from watching behaviour across ordinary situations than from any list of questions.
Which is why time matters. Not endless courtship, but enough varied contact to see someone under a few different conditions.
Going deeper
Finding the Right Spouse devotes a full book — Character First — to assessing compatibility properly, alongside four others on preparation, searching, family involvement and second marriages.
If you're also thinking about how differences will play out once married, Understanding Personalities & Differences covers exactly that ground.
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